The house across the street burnt down last night. We've never seen anything like that before. When you see a house fire on tv, it doesn't prepare you at all for how scary it is when you watch one in real life. It happened so fast. Just kept getting bigger, and bigger. Now, when I look out the window it doesn't look like it was that bad. The house is still standing, you can still see most of the paint. The inside is completely gutted though, so we know it was bad. And somebody died inside. Which makes it so much worse.

Okay, the bit before this, or underneath it, that's from this morning. I was feeling pretty low. But a friend at work spent about an hour lecturing, reminding, and just generally cheering me up, and it worked. I feel a ton better about most of the stuff, and the rest can't really be that important because 10 years from now I won't remember it anyway.
We're having the most beautiful weather, today and yesterday. Absolutely perfect spring days! It's nice walking home in the sun, really separates work from home. And that is a good thing.

And you really need to read Andrea's site. The last 2 posts are SOOO funny!!! ;)

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Some days it's just really hard to snap into a good mood. I know I have nothing to be unhappy about; there is nothing terrible about my life. Actually, I'm much luckier than so many people, I should never feel down, but today I do. For no real reason. I've been trying to make some changes at work, things to improve the overall morale level, and today I just feel like it's all for naught. Nothing is going to please everyone, and things I can do won't happen because...well, they just won't. And I'm feeling really defeated.

I'm home today and while doing nothing, found this essay I'd saved. I don't know who the author is, and you might have read it already as it did the email cycle. But it's still worth reading again, so I'm posting it. It is also very long. :)

The Awakening

A time comes in your life when you finally get it...when, in the midst of all your fears and insanity, you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out - ENOUGH! Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and begin to look at the world through new eyes.This is your awakening.

You realize it's time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change...or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that neither of you is Prince Charming or Cinderella and that in the real world there aren't always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you...and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are ... and that's OK. They are entitled to their own views and opinions. And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself...and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval. You stop complaining and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn't do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected.

You learn that people don't always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it's not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself...and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties..and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness. You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the junk you've been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you should weigh, what you should wear, what you should do for a living, how much money you should make, what you should drive, how and where you should live, who you should marry, the importance of having and raising children, and what you owe your parents, family, and friends. And you learn that your parents really are not all that wrong.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you've outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with ... and in the process you learn to go with your instincts.

You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop maneuvering through life merely as
a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don't know everything, it's not your job to save the world and that you can't teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO.

You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love........

How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. And you learn that alone does not mean lonely.

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your needs. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK....and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things you want ... and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won't settle for less. And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin to eat a balanced diet, drink more water, and take more time to exercise.

You learn that being tired fuels doubt, fear, and uncertainty and so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play. You learn that, for the most part, you get in life what you believe you deserve...and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different than working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone...and that it's OK to risk asking for help. You learn the only thing you must truly fear is the greatest robber baron of all: FEAR itself.

You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your own terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom.

You learn that life isn't always fair; you don't always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good
people.

And finally, you learn how truly blessed you are to have friends like the ones that will receive this letter. (or read this post)

I am sooo happy that we have three days off now!! You have no idea!

I took a couple of hours off work this afternoon and just strolled home with no worries. I bought him a couple of presents for no reason, and picked up some fresh chicken cordon bleu from the new really nice butcher shop down the street. So now I'm just waiting for him to come home and I'll start dinner. He's picking up some caesar salad on the way, and I think I'll make garlic cream cheese mashed potatoes. Doesn't it sound like I can actually cook? HA! We'll see about that.

This weekend is going to be a fairly relaxing one I hope. I hope we'll colour some eggs tomorrow, and we're going to Langley on Saturday for his grandparents 60 anniversary party. Can you even believe that?! 60 years! Hopefully we'll learn something from them. ;) On Sunday I think I'll roast a chicken for dinner, with stuffing and everything. I'm feeling all 'nesty' right now; hopefully it'll pass soon. ;) Kidding.

I have no news. My mom was supposed to be visiting next weekend but she's cancelled as she has shingles. Poor Mom. I hope you feel better soon. *heart*

And that's it for me for the moment. Don't even know why I bothered, after reading this it kind of looks like I actually had nothing to say. Oh well, it's mine and I can do what I want with it!

I did it!!

I have been afraid to walk the seawall by myself for more than a year and a half now, and today I did it!!! It's sad really, that it took this long for me to get back out there again because walking the seawall used to be as natural for me as...well, walking. I used to do the entire 10k at least twice a week. Needless to say I didn't quite make the whole thing today, but I did do 7k. And can I ever feel it. I walk very fast when I'm out there. Fast enough to even pass some joggers. And it felt SO good to be out there on my own again. Remembering how it feels to know I can do anything, because that's what happens to me when I'm out there. I get my perspective back, and know that I can handle whatever life is throwing at me. My legs are killing me, but in a good way, and when I got home I had to peel my jacket off. Ew.

I'm officially off the medication now. It's been 10 days. It's funny, even though I know I felt good on the medication, I'd forgotten so much of what was good about not being on it. Like how good spring smells, and the way the birds sound in the morning. With the medication I guess I just stopped noticing the things I used to use to help get me through the days. Now I'm remembering more of them every day, and I like it. I am, however, considerably more emotional than I have been over the last year and I'm not sure I like that much. I'm hoping that the more time I'm off the medication will make a difference to that too. Sort of like practice makes perfect? The more I get used to feeling these things again, the better I'll be able to handle them.

I'm freezing. I'm still wearing my walking clothes and the back of my shirt is soaked through! And it's cold in here. So now I'm sure you'll all be very happy to know that I am going to go have a SHOWER!

Enjoy your day! We might be going to Whistler when he gets home from welding class.

I'm having days filled with twitches and zaps. And they are NOT fun. I'm home from the family visit. It was so nice to see them. My nephew is a beautiful child. He has the face of an angel and when he smiles whole rooms get brighter. And he's smart as a whip! I honestly think he's going to skip crawling altogether and just start to walk, soon! He loves to stand up, and he's very strong. And cute, and perfect and…

During my time away, he and I had a chance to write down some of what we've been feeling lately, and I think we're working towards meeting each other in the middle again. I know that things have been really good since I've been back, and I've got my fingers crossed. I'm really trying, and I know he is, and it's showing in how we are responding to each other.

When I got home from the airport on Sunday, I discovered he'd been working on fixing up more of our apartment. So now I think we've finished the bathroom, and we did the bedroom in February. He's done some work in the kitchen already. He really likes to do this sort of thing; I think it makes him happy.

And he's talking up a storm in his sleep again, which seems to make me happy. ;) At least I'm happy when I'm telling the stories about it. The other night I was POSITIVE he was awake. I don't even know what time it was, but he woke me up to ask me if I wanted him to pick up the curtain that was on the floor. Of course I didn't have a clue what he was talking about (and I was half asleep) so I looked on the floor beside the bed - and there was no curtain. But he kept asking me, so I looked at him again first to check – he definitely looked awake - and then I looked at the window and the curtain was hanging like normal. So now I'm a little frustrated because I have no idea what curtain he's talking about. So I ask. And he says "you know, the curtain that mixes the hot water and the cold water together for the heater". AARGHH!!! It was a Charlie Brown moment for sure. And then this morning when I went to make the bed I found a big plastic bowl on the floor on my side. I came out of the bedroom carrying it with a perplexed look on my face, and he suddenly remembers getting up in the night to put it there. Apparently he dreamt that I was going to get sick, so he was looking out for me. Now he not only talks in his sleep, he cares for me too! However, he did wake up on the couch this morning, so it's possible he was looking out for himself too!

For the record, I'm not sick. So there is no risk of barfing in the bed. (ew.)

Okay, I'm feeling a little better now. I'm hanging out with the dog, watching a little tv, did some shopping with my Dad. There may be no way for me to stop the way people treat me. I may have to find a way to stop letting it hurt me. I don't know how to do that, other than by just not trying to see if I can help someone get out of their bad mood. And I don't know if I'm ready to give up that part of me yet. So, for now, I'll just try to enjoy being where I am right now. With the dog. And the baby. And the rest of them.

Today is our one year and one month anniversary. People might wonder why on earth a couple would honour that. Well, he didn't get me a card or anything for our one year anniversary. And it hurt me. And he said he was going to - on our one year, one month. That's today. And he forgot. And when I reminded him, he gave me a card that I originally gave to him. My bad, I didn't write anything in it when I gave it to him. So he did. And he didn't even realize that I gave it to him. Just couldn't really remember where he bought it. And now he is out, somewhere. Mad at me because I can never tell him how I feel without being upset. So...tomorrow I am going to visit my family. I think the timing is perfect.

He makes me feel like I ask for too much.


I shouldn't be posting this here, and I will probably remove it.